


Crappy Hallowieners

by not3kidsinatrenchcoat



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Drabbles, Future Fic, Halloween, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-22 12:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12481860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not3kidsinatrenchcoat/pseuds/not3kidsinatrenchcoat
Summary: All my Halloween tumblr drabbles in Ao3. All canon in this universe https://archiveofourown.org/works/11669394/chapters/26261178





	1. Halloween with the Knope Wyatts 2015-2024

**2015**

“Three peas in a pod, that’s cliché,” Leslie said, crossing out one of the ideas she and Ben had been writing on a large notepad in their living room.

“Three blind mice?” Ben said, looking up from his laptop. Leslie jotted down the suggestion under a heading she called Ben’s ok choices. “This is kind of hurting my feelings, Leslie.”

“I can’t imagine what you’re talking about,” Leslie said, adding the words three Harry Potters to a column labeled Leslie’s Brilliant Halloween Costume Ideas. Other columns were titled Ben’s Good Ideas, Ben’s Ok Choices, and Who Did I Marry? with the Ben's idea of 'three baby calculators' underneath it.

“Is this because I suggested you dress as a pumpkin last year?” Ben asked, remembering Leslie’s reaction when Ben handed her an orange shirt, Halloween 2014 being days before the triplets were born.

All three triplets were sound asleep thanks to the recent hiring of Roz, who Leslie had already told Ben she loved more than him and maybe even Ann. This explained the final column, Roz’s Ideas Which Are Better Than Ben’s and the scrawled, “I don’t know, maybe black and orange onesies? One of them just ate five quarters.”

“We do have a few Halloweens before the kids will start making their own costume choices,” Ben said, even as he was googling various Star Trek themed costumes.

“That’s why I’m reading Harry Potter to them now,” Leslie said, thinking about how she just knew almost one year old Stephen really related to Fred and George. She circled the words Roz had suggested.

“We’re going to have a lot of Halloweens with them,” she said, sitting down next to Ben.

“We are” Ben said, smiling and kissing Leslie. “Now, about our costumes,”

“I’m Han and you’re Princess Leia.”

“I do look good in that bikini.”

“Yes you do, Ben.”

**2016**

“I wanna be Rey,” Sonia said, looking over the options as Leslie flipped through pictures of Halloween costumes on her computer. Sonia was sitting on Leslie’s lap and made up her mind the second she spotted the familiar looking outfit.

“Are you sure you don’t want to be little Hillary? She’s going to be our next president, Soso,” Leslie asked, clicking over to the page with the tiny pantsuit.

“Rey from daddy’s Star War movies,” Sonia said again, nodding her head and humming the tune off key. Ben had only shown the triplets clips of The Force Awakens, but all three loved it, each convinced their dad made the movie himself. She kicked her almost two year old legs and stupid one inch feet. Leslie sighed and pressed a button to add the costume to her cart.

“So, Halloween 2016, three Reys,” Leslie said, kissing her daughter on her head and giving her a hug. “Next year, after you get to watch a few of President Clinton’s speeches, you’ll be inspired.” Leslie clicked on the save for later button on the tiny pantsuit.

**2017 - this is in a better world over all, of course in my Parks world Hills won but what can you do**

“Impeached! He’s out!” Ben said, he and Leslie high fived as soon as the story broke on Ben’s Gryzzl app.

“Ah crap, now Pence is going to be president,” Leslie said, her celebratory smile now a frown. She got off the couch and went to a shelf in their living room, pulling out a binder labeled Protest Sign Ideas.

“Ready to trick or treat with a protest sign?” Leslie asked Stephen, who was still awake and running one of the triplets trains around the living room. “We just know Pence will be worse. It’ll totally go with their Harry Potter themed costumes, which they chose themselves by the way, Ben.”

“After you bribed them. Stephen, it’s 10 pm, buddy,” Ben said, addressing his wide awake son.

“He’s just excited to get rid of Mike Pence.”

“Fuck Mike Pence,” Stephen said, running his train over Ben’s arm. Ben looked up at Leslie, concerned.

“We should watch when we swear now, Leslie.”

“Marlene taught him that one.”

**2018**

“It finally happened, Leslie, the kids have decided their own costumes,” Ben announced as soon as she walked into the front door of their house. As an example Ben picked up Stephen as he ran by him.

“And Stephen is a mummy?” Leslie asked, noticing how he was covered head to toe in Wyatt for Congress stickers and bumper stickers.

“I’m a car!” Stephen squealed, making honking and engine noises. Ben put him down and Stephen raced off to find his siblings in their play room.

“He saw our cars with the bumper stickers, and just ran with it,” Ben explained, kissing Leslie as she came over and hugged him. While both of them were occasionally alone watching all three, Ben could now say he beat the record held by Leslie of four days without him or Roz.

“Four and a half days, I’m very impressed,” Leslie said, noticing the house was surprisingly clean.

“It’s not as impressive when you see how many boxes of pizza are in the trash. But we never ate them in our swim suits.”

“That was one time and it was waffles,” Leslie scoffed. “What are the other two dressing as?”

“Who cares, Andy and April are taking them trick or treating tonight,” Ben said, “And since they’ll all be out of the house, we can spend Halloween,” Ben attempted a wink at Leslie.

“We can finish returning campaign emails!” Leslie said, eager to get back to campaigning for Ben’s seat. She winked back at him.

“Make sure we don’t attach roleplaying emails this time,” Ben said, following Leslie to the kitchen table where their laptops waited.

“Are you kidding? You went up 10 points in the polls, they really loved Orwen the Elf Prince. No wonder with his flat butt and tiny hands and giant head.”

“Why are you attracted to me, exactly?”

**2019**

“Why can’t we go trick or treating? I feel gre,” Stephen stopped and puked on  Ben’s shoes. His brother and sister were both on the living room couch next to Leslie, covered in blankets.

“Let’s go clean you up, buddy,” Ben said, gingerly helping his son walk towards the bathroom while taking off his shoes.

“I can’t believe turtle flu is a real thing,” Leslie muttered, once Ben and Stephen returned to their living room. Westley and Sonia had piled up several pillows and stuffed animals in the middle of the room. Sonia was still wearing her R2 D2 costume as she had not taken it off since it had arrived weeks earlier.

“We are definitely not getting Westley the pet turtle he wants,” Ben whispered to Leslie, who nodded. “I know I picked the costumes this year, but since we’re not technically using them, maybe next year.”

“I still get to pick next year Ben.”

**2020**

“Ok, we have pumpkins, we’ve handed out all our Kamala Harris/Tulsi Gabbard 2020 stickers,” Leslie said, reading over her Halloween checklist. “Pumpkin patch visit a total success.” At that Ben put their van into reverse to exit the parking lot.

“Can I have Westley’s donuts?” Stephen asked from the backseat. Across the aisle, Sonia was busy with the book of multiplication problems she had asked for the last time they were at the grocery store.

“If that’s ok with Westley,” Leslie said, turning to ask him. That was the moment Ben and Leslie both realized Westley wasn’t just being unusually quiet in the middle seat. Ben quickly stopped the car.

“The pumpkin patch!” Leslie and Ben shouted together.

“Stay in the car,” Ben instructed the kids. Sonia nodded and Stephen resumed eating his brother’s share of the donuts.

“I can’t believe we did this again,” Leslie muttered as soon as Ben caught up with her at the entrance. Both of them scanned the horizon, hoping to see him close by. When they didn’t they started walking towards the end of the patch.

“When was the last time? Halloween 2017?” Ben tried to think back to that year. In their defense the last time they lost one of the kids Trump was getting impeached, followed by Mike Pence resigning and Paul Ryan going missing long enough for Orrin Hatch to become president. He was ok.

“At least then we realized we lost Stephen before we got in the car and drove away,” Leslie said, then she recognized something, “I see his hat!” Both raced to Westley, but Ben reached him first.

“Daddy, can I have this pumpkin?” Westley asked, pushing over a large pumpkin. He hadn’t seemed to notice that he’d almost been left behind. Ben and Leslie decided it would be better not to tell him.

“Sure, buddy,” Ben helped lift the pumpkin and Leslie took Westley’s hand, not willing to misplace him again.

“I love Halloween, mommy!” Westley said, beaming up at Leslie.

“I do too, Wes.”

**2021**

“Alright, Harry, Ron, Hermione, let’s take a picture before we go,” Leslie beamed as she pointed the camera towards her triplets. She and Ben spent a month campaigning costumes for their kids, and in the end, the triplets put it to a vote, Harry Potter winning two to one with the triplets.

“I tried my best,” Sonia told her dad after the vote, the two commiserating over a calzone together. “Voting is stupid,” the almost seven year old had said with a sigh. .

“Maybe we can do Star Wars costumes next year,” Ben said, “And don’t let your mom hear you say that about voting.”

“Cheese,” the kids now said in sync, before racing off to get their pillow cases and heading out the door. Each of them waving their wands as they ran.

“Wait for us!” Ben called after the three wizards. He and Leslie followed them outside their house, onto the street for trick or treating.

**2022**

“You look so sexy, Lamplighter,” Sandra Dee O'Connor said with a wink to her husband. April and Andy had left and the kids were still out trick or treating. This year’s triplet costume was Star Wars based and Stephen’s idea. Sonia was Leia, Stephen was Rey and Westley was Jyn Erso. Ben walked over to join Leslie on their couch and kissed her.

“I’ve never mated with a human before,” Ben said. Leslie gave him a puzzled expression and then tried to recover.

“Yes, I do remember the Lamplighter’s mythology,” Leslie said, “Now take off your robe.” Then they kissed each other so hard and also boned.

“I almost gave one of our kids to Andy and April,” Ben said, later, when the two were watching a DVD. Leslie was now wrapped up in his Lamplighter robe and eating popcorn, tempted to text April to say she and Ben did have sex outside of the time they conceived their kids.

“Which one?”

“I didn’t specify. I don’t know which one they’d choose, but if I had to guess,”

“Stephen,” Leslie and Ben said at the same time.

**2023**

“16 and up, darn it,” Sonia huffed after reading the rules outside the entrance to the haunted house. She adjusted her General Leia wig and looked to her brothers for outrage, finding them lacking.

“Oh no,” Stephen said flatly, “I really wanted to go into that building full of screaming adults.”

“Let’s just go trick or treating,” Westley said. He would have shared Sonia’s outrage, but neither of his siblings wanted to have matching costumes this year and he was feeling miffed in his solo Harry Potter costume. 

“Come on, talking tree.” Stephen picked up his costume by the roots and carried it as he followed Westley back to join their group of trick or treating friends.

“Our ages combined is 27, that’s old enough for Abby Adultlady,” Sonia reasoned, catching up with her brothers, wowing to one day get her revenge for not helping her sneak in to the haunted house. “Or, more accurately, our combined age right now is 26.99178.”

“I’m Sonia, the numbers robot,” Stephen laughed, while Westley threw in a “bleep blorp.”

“Revenge,” Sonia thought again, “And a calculator costume would be a great idea.”

**2024**

“This is the greatest Halloween costume ever,” Ben said admiring the work he and Sonia had put in for the past three months. He and his daughter high fived and Ben reached for his camera on the kitchen table.

“Cheese!” Sonia said from her calculator costume, smiling for the picture.

“And I thought my 2019 Spock costume was good, but this, this is fantastic,” Ben beamed with pride at his daughter, who had drawn up the plans a year earlier.

“I’m glad we didn’t make it a working calculator, even though we had the technology” Sonia said as the two headed out the door. Since her brothers were both grounded this year, Ben had agreed to take Sonia to the haunted house that had not admitted her without a parent the previous year.

“Yeah, your mom and I don’t want strangers poking at a 10 year old’s chest.”

“Plus. no calculator can be smarter than this one,” Sonia said, pointing to her head.

“You are very good at math,” Ben nodded, only slightly insulted on Dr. Button’s behalf.

“And revenge.”

“What?”

“I said, I love Halloween!”

“Me too, Soso.”


	2. Halloween 2025-2034

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween drabbles

**2025**

“Han, Luke, Leia, classic Halloween costume trio,” Ben said, a huge smile on his dumb face. Two of the triplets made an action pose for their mom’s camera, Sonia with her blaster and Luke Westley with a lightsaber, ready to fight off storm troopers. 

“Who am I again?” Stephen asked, adjusting his vest. Both Sonia and Ben rolled their eyes. 

“Han Solo,” Sonia said in a huff. Stephen laughed, knowing how to push both of his sibling’s buttons. “Can I get a real blaster?”

“No,” Ben said firmly.

“How about a gun?”

“Hell no,” Ben added. Sonia pouted under her Leia wig. “And we’re going to have to talk with Grandpa Ron about what he’s said to you about guns.”

“Ok, the Biden-Krein triplets are on their way, they’ll be trick or treating with you guys,” Leslie said, receiving a text on her phone. “And of course your dad and I can be reached at their grandparent’s house.” At this she excitedly high fived Ben. Her sadness at the triplets picking Ben’s idea for costumes quickly vanished once she realized this Halloween the triplets would be trick or treating with the kids Leslie referred to as “one of the other 1/3 of the Supreme Court.”

“Next year, we’re doing the Harry Potter trio,” Westley said, making his siblings pinky promise.

“I thought that’s what we were doing,” Stephen said. Westley shook his head and muttered something under his breath.

**2026**

“I thought we agreed on this last year,” Westley frowned at his siblings in the middle of the Knope Wyatt’s living room. Westley took off his regular glasses and put on his Harry Potter glasses. 

“We don’t have to do triplet costumes every year,” Sonia said, adjusting her crown. “You can still be Harry Potter, you don’t need us. And we’ve done non matching costumes before.”

“This is our last year we can trick or treat,” Westley said. “Next year we’ll be too old for getting free candy from strangers.”

“Say what now?” Stephen said, brushing off some of the leaves covering the face of his tree costume. 

“If mom wins next week, we’ll have to move to Indiana,” Westley said.

“Where it’s apparently illegal for 12 year olds to trick or treat?” 

“No, you can go trick or treating, Halloween will just suck anyway,” Westley said, moving off his glasses, trying to hide a tear. “This is our last Halloween in DC, before we have to move, you guys know she’s going to win.

“Yeah, mommy’s the best,” Sonia said. Stephen nodded in agreement. “That’s why I’m dressed like her.” Sonia waved to the pantsuit she was wearing, a miniature version of one of her mom’s suits.

“I’m so not speaking to any of you guys when we move,” Westley muttered to himself. 

“What’s with the crown?” Stephen asked. 

“I’m her but a princess, it was mom’s idea,” Sonia explained. 

“Ok, we know you don’t want to move, but I promise, Westley, our first Halloween in Indiana, we’ll do a matching costume. And you can pick it.” Stephen lifted up his tree branch arm to give his brother a pinky promise. Westley linked pinkys with his brother. 

“Since I’ll be giving you the silent treatment by then, I’ll write down what it’ll be,” Westley said.

**2027**

“There’s your boyfriend,” Stephen whispered to his sister as the triplets waited outside on their driveway for their approaching friends. Sonia punched Stephen’s arm.

“Shut up, Oliver is not my boyfriend,” Sonia hissed. She brightened however when Oliver reached the foot of their driveway with his sister. “Hi Oliver! Hi LC!”

“Hi Sonia,” Oliver said, waving at her. “And you’re Hermione?”

“Yes, it was Westley’s idea,” Sonia said, pointing to Harry Potter on her left side. Westley nodded, adjusting his glasses. LC did a quick twirl to show off her costume for them.

“Oh cool, Swanson’s here too,” Stephen said, rushing over to do a stupid handshake with his new best friend. Sonia rolled her eyes and nudged Westley, who gave Sonia a look that meant  _ugh, I know._

“He’s not even trick or treating, he’s collecting for Unicef,” LC explained to Sonia with an exasperated sigh. “My dumb brother invited him. He’s dressed like a freaking tree. What a weirdo.”

“Too bad we can’t all be originals,” Oliver scoffed. “Everyone is Wonder Woman this year. The fifth movie just came out.”

“I think it’s an awesome costume,” Sonia said. Westley nodded in agreement again.

“Thanks. And I know a lot of people are dressed as Wonder Woman, but at least I’m not the Pillsbury Dough Boy.”

“I’m Indiana Jones, you jerk,” Oliver frowned at his sister.

“If he ate the Pillsbury Dough Boy.”

“Hey guys, let’s go,” Stephen waved at the four of them, cutting off another one of Oliver and LC’s arguments. “I don’t want any fighting in front of the candy.”

**2028**

“Halloween is next week, have you gotten your costumes?” Leslie asked as soon as the triplets sat down for dinner. “Ben and I are going to be Han and Leia. Again.”

“You do make a great Han,” Ben said, winking across the table at Leslie. 

“We’re not wearing costumes this year, since we’re not trick or treating, why bother?” Westley said, noticing his siblings were concentrating on their food rather than look at either of their parents. “Sonia and Oliver are going to that haunted house in Muncie.”

“He’s the only one cool enough to go with me,” Sonia explained, setting her fork down on her plate.

“Plus he’s her boyfriend,” Stephen said in a sing song. 

“I wish,” Sonia muttered. “Stephen and John are going apple picking, because he’s Stephen’s boyfriend.”

“I wish,” Stephen said through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. 

“Does he make you ask each tree for permission or something?” Westley asked his brother, who nodded. “What a dick.”

“Babe, it’s finally happening,” Leslie whispered to Ben.

“No one is dating anyone,” Ben whispered back. 

“Not yet.”

**2030**

“And that’s why we decided never to speak of Halloween 2029 ever again,” Stephen half explained to his best friend as they walked up the driveway. Next to Stephen, Westley shuddered at the memory. 

“You should have gone apple picking with me again,” John responded. “I picked four apples.”

“It does take a long time when you read each tree a personalized thank you note and ask for its blessing,” Westley said sarcastically. John agreed in a sincere tone which made Westley roll his eyes. Stephen pressed the doorbell to their friend’s house and Catherine de Forest answered wearing a police uniform.

“Thank God, more people my age,” Catherine said, relieved, pulling the three inside, “Almost all the other people are either my parents friends in the boring wine party upstairs and Penelope’s degenerate friends in the basement. I’m surprised you can’t smell the pot from here.”

“And the basement is?” Stephen started to ask, but Westley poked him in the ribs. 

“Your parents are upstairs too. Your dad is so weird, he got all spooked out by my costume.” Catherine explained as she walked with them to a room in the de Forest house where a few of their classmates were already, eating and chatting in small clumps. 

“Yeah, he’s like that,” Westley explained. 

“Drinks there, food there,” Catherine said pointing at various tables. She waved at a girl across the room and then turned back to the three. “Where’s Sonia and Oliver?”

“On a date,” Stephen said. 

“Really?” John asked Stephen. “I could have sworn Oliver was,” he coughed and resumed speaking, “joking about going out with someone.”

“There was a lot of tension between those two during our math team practices,” Catherine said, starting to leave. “Anyway, I’m going to hang out with my girlfriend, if Penelope comes up here, do not give her money for anything.”

“We won’t,” Stephen said, waiting for Catherine to be out of earshot, “Buy too many drugs.”

“Is Penelope seeing anyone?” John asked. “Not that I care. She smiled at me once when I saw her outside of Whole Foods two years ago. Signed my petition and everything.”

“You are the worst,” Westley muttered under his breath.

**2031**

“Do not let this woman check out books,” Leslie Perkins Traeger read from the sign posted just inside the Pawnee Public Library. She peered at the blurry photo of a blonde woman, waving a library book and yelling at the photographer. Leslie, or as her friends all called her, LC, turned to her date, dressed as Harry Potter, matching her own Ginny Weasley costume. He answered the question before she could ask it.

“Yep, that’s my mom,” Westley Knope Wyatt said, a little proud. The two walked past the entry way into the library, decorated for its annual Halloween party. As they walked past other party goers in literary costumes, LC thought about mentioning how much her brother would love this party, but decided against it. This was her first date with Westley and there was no way she’d mention,

“Oliver!” Westley said, spotting a familiar face. Oliver walked over with a cookie in his lion paw covered hand.

“Crap balls,” LC muttered.

“Harry Potter,” Oliver said, looking over their costumes, “Nice. And the Wicked Witch of the West?” 

“Who are you supposed to be?” LC said with disdain, not correcting him, although she was glad Westley did.

“The Cowardly Lion. Aren’t you supposed to be smart?” Oliver said, talking more to Westley than his sister, “the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and Dorothy are all over there,” he waved a paw at the second floor of the library.

“We’re all getting grounded,” Westley said, noticing his siblings in the Wizard of Oz trio, “Our mom doesn’t like libraries.”

“I guessed, from the picture,” Oliver said.

“Any way, we’re on a date,” LC said, taking Westley’s hand. “So, smell you later, Dorothy’s friend.” 

“See you,” Westley waved as he and LC headed towards the fiction section. 

“Let’s check something out,” LC suggested. “I’ve read practically everything in non fiction already.”

“Have you ever read A Song of,” Westley started, pointing to a row of books on the shelf, but before he could finished LC kissed him, putting one hand behind his back to flip off a lion. 

“I’m really glad my best friends, books, were here to see this,” Westley thought to himself. 

**2032**

“Please and thank you for taking us trick or treating Uncle Wesie,” six year old Roberta Ludgate Dwyer said as soon as she and her brother were walking the sidewalk outside their house. Jack said something about chocolate and pumpkins underneath his ninja turtle mask. Roberta nodded, her witch hat bobbing in agreement to whatever her brother had just said.

“You’re welcome, this is fun,” Westley said. He was glad to go trick or treating again, even if he wasn’t getting candy for himself this time. It didn’t mean he didn’t dress up in his usual Harry Potter costume. Thanks to either generous neighbors or Roberta’s claim of actual powers, the Ludgate Dwyer kids had filled up most of their pumpkin buckets by the fifth house they hit. 

“I do have actual powers,” Roberta said again, grinning and holding up her pumpkin to show the two full sized bars.

“I’m normally a skeptic, but I’m starting to believe,” Westley said. The three reached the sidewalk again, Jack walking slightly ahead of Robbie and Westley. In front of Jack, Westley could see a girl on a skateboard heading towards him. 

“Move it losers,” the girl, who looked to be a a middle schooler skated past, shoving Jack to the ground, spilling his candy. While Westley knelt down to help him up, Roberta turned and ran after the older kid. 

“Roberta!” Westley called after her, but the six year old was surprisingly fast. The middle school girl was also surprised when a child witch tackled her, making her fall to the ground from her skateboard.

“Juniper Pikitis you stupid piece of crap!” Roberta shouted, throwing her bucket of candy, which the girl attempted and failed to block with her skateboard. Westley caught up to the two and to keep Roberta from trying to kick the older girl.

“Get away from me you little psycho,” Juniper said, scooting away from Roberta, who kicked the air while Westley held her back. Westley then thought of letting Roberta attack her, but realized he was the adult of the bunch.

“You knocked over a kid,” Westley said, pointing to Jack, who had recovered from it enough to take his mask off and eat some of his candy. “He bounced back quickly, but still, what a dick move.” 

“Dick,” Roberta copied, giggling. She stopped trying to kick Juniper and walked over to pumpkin bucket instead, picking it up and walking back to her brother. Juniper stood up and brushed off the leaves and dirt from her shirt. 

“Pikitis. Are you related to,” Westley started to ask. He looked at the girl and thought he spotted a familiar face. Before he could ask, the girl turned and skated off. Westley turned around to help the Ludgate Dwyers gather up their fallen treats, but the looks on both of their now candy covered faces indicated they were fine. Westley picked up Roberta’s witch hat and placed it on her head, sitting down next to the two kids.

“I love Halloween, Uncle Wesie,” Jack said, unwrapping a Twix bar. He handed another fun size bar to Westley.

“Me too,” Westley agreed.

**2033**

“Welcome to the Hell Village, need to see IDs,” a bored sounding voice said in monotone from underneath his pig mask. 

“How’s this for an ID?” Sonia said, after rummaging through her bag and finding nothing. She held up her left hand, showing off a sparkling ring on her finger. The man in the pig mask shrugged, handing Oliver back his own quickly procured ID.

“Anyone can buy one of those for ten dollars at Gryzzl Mart,” the man said. Sonia glared at him, muttering something about how much the ring actually cost while putting her right hand in her bag again and finally finding her wallet.

“Getting married at 18, that’s, uh, neat,” the man snorted with laughter. He stamped both of their hands from an ink blot at his side. Sonia shoved past him.

“Sorry, she’s just excited about this place,” Oliver explained as he followed Sonia inside, taking Sonia’s driver’s license from his hand.

“You’re the one marrying her,” the man said, turning his attention to the next pair at the entrance. Oliver caught up with Sonia, clapping with joy at the first sight, a little girl with long black hair who popped up from a fake well in the wall.

“Yes, yes, very scary,” Oliver said, when the figure retreated and said her line again, having caught most of her act when she’d tried to scare Sonia.

“See this is why we’re platonic soulmates, Oliver, you’re the only one I’d go into a haunted house with,” Sonia said, now walking beside Oliver as they made their way towards the center of the building, disguised as a little town. “Westley and Stephen think all of them are scary,” Sonia added in sarcastic air quotes. “And Johann thinks violence is bad.”

“Another thing your fiance has in common with my half brother who’s in love with you,” Oliver muttered. 

“What?”

“That guy thought I was your fiance,” Oliver said, casually brushing off the spiderweb that had just landed on him. “Back at the entrance.”

“That’s hilarious, you’re gay,” Sonia said, then yelped in fright, “that’s a first, nice work,” she complimented the zombie for its realism before it trudged back to scare someone else.

“He didn’t know that. And even if I was straight,” Oliver stopped himself, almost spilling what he hadn’t said since coming out to Sonia two years earlier. 

“I know, if you were straight, or bi, you’d be in love with me,” Sonia said, examining the blood splatter left on her arm. “Less glitter next time,” she advised the person wielding a chain saw. The girl nodded at Sonia’s suggestion. 

“Yeah, no,” Oliver said, the words now slipping out. “I didn’t dump you because I realized I was gay,” referring to the end of their very short courtship during high school. Sonia stopped in her tracks and even the chain saw girl shook her head at Oliver before going back to her mark. 

“This might not be the best place to talk about this. Also you’re engaged, it was years ago, you were never that into me either. Blah, blah. Ooh, look a haunted candy store!” Oliver jogged over and pointed out the labels they could see from the store’s window. “Butterfingers, but with actual fingers! Only slightly worse than real Butterfingers! Soso, look!” Sonia crossed her arms and walked coolly past him, stopping when an employee turned the lights on. 

“Sorry folks, a part of the Hell Village is experiencing technical difficulties,” the employee, dressed in his Frankenstein’s monster costume explained. Oliver caught up with Sonia again, her staring down the next web covered doorway, waiting for it to open up again. 

“So, why did you break up with me then?” Sonia said after a minute of uncomfortable silence. 

“This is the real scary stuff,” the employee by the door said, “relationships.”

“Can you not, Frankenstein?” Sonia asked. He turned around and pretended to readjust some cob webs. 

“That’s actually Frankenstein’s monster,” Oliver said. “God, woman, do you ever read?”

“Is that why? Because I’m not some fantasy book nerd?”

“No, of course not.”

“Was it because I said I was better at geometry than you?”

“You’re not and that’s not it either. It was,” Oliver grasped for something, “Yep it was definitely the gay thing.” This caught the attention of Frankenstein’s monster again.

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination,” the employee spat out, “Leviticus 18:22.”

“For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Galatians 5:14,” Oliver said back. “Yeah, I can quote them too, buddy.” 

“Want me to punch him?” Sonia asked. Oliver shook his head. “Jesus knows that’s more than one word, right?” She noticed Oliver’s expression. “I think I get why you wouldn’t date me even if you were into girls.”

“And it’s not that I don’t love you,” Oliver said, “We’re soulmates, just not that way.” The two of them did their stupid Oliver and Sonia handshake that ended with a math pun.

“So, would you ever date Stephen?”

“No way in hell.” The lights started blinking and soon resumed their normal state, plunging the room into half darkness. 

“Boo!” A headless man popped out as soon as Oliver and Sonia walked through the next door into a new room. 

“How can he say boo without a head?” Oliver and Sonia both said in unison, laughing.

**2034**

“I don’t think we’re going to get in the maze tonight,” Westley said, watching the crowd of people ahead of them in line. Stephen shook his head and gestured to the five people, his siblings and their three best friends, he’d pushed to the entrance of the Harvest Fest Maze moments earlier. 

“Well, first of all,through God, all things are possible, so jot that down, Wes,” Stephen said, before finishing off his cotton candy. Westley rolled his eyes, as did Stephen’s girlfriend, LC. “And second, this is the grand prize night.” Oliver and Sonia, who had been wrapped up in a discussion about the ferris wheel, now stopped to listen to Stephen.

“How much is it this time?” Sonia asked. As suggested by Ron Swanson decades earlier, the corn maze had a puzzle contest with a set of festival token as the prize. For years the tokens had not been found and had been added to the next year’s pile.

“750,” Stephen said, “With a 100 token bonus for next year’s festival for the two people who win it.”

“Dude,” Westley said, “The festival ends tomorrow, this year’s tokens expire tomorrow. Even during your most gluttonous year,”

“2029 and I was a growing boy,” Stephen added.

“Even then you only spent 175 tokens in one day. And you threw up a lot.” Westley shuddered at the memory. “It was a chain of vomit. Our mom took so many pictures.”

“Why?” Oliver asked.

“Because we are adorable,” the triplets said in unison. Stephen continued to explain. “Obviously we’ll split it six ways.” He pointed at the five of them in line. The crowd, made up of pairs of people, gradually started to move closer to the entrance and the six followed behind. 

“125 each and  16.6666666667 a piece next year,” Sonia said with a grin.

“Ok, thank you robot,” Stephen said. “And since we have to work in pairs only, we need to get the three best pairings. Sonia and Oliver, you two are stone cold monsters.”

“It’s true,” Sonia said with pride.

“You’ll make sure the other partners don’t get to the clues,” Stephen said, lowering his voice. The five moved closer to him to hear him speak. Oliver and Sonia high fived. “No physical violence.”

“Dang it,” Sonia and Oliver said at the same time.

“Meanwhile, our two sensitive geniuses over here will solve the clues.” Stephen pointed to Westley and LC. LC took Westley’s hand and twisted her free hand like a snake, the motion following to Westley’s free hand. It was their stupid handshake. 

“Still got it,” Westley said. LC kissed him on the cheek. 

“Leslie, you are not Westley’s girlfriend anymore,” Oliver said, crossing his arms. LC wrapped her arm around Westley’s elbow.

“Never know what’ll happen,” LC said. “Stephen actually doesn’t mind if I date Westley as well.”

“Not that I would,” Westley assured his boyfriend.

“The moment you break up with Westley,” LC mouthed back to Oliver. 

“And lastly, I, Stephen, an amazing human being, will be paired up with John, an amazing human being and puzzle solving son of a bitch. Just in case Oliver and Sonia don’t take out the competition.”

“Uh, we will.”

“Or Westley and LC don’t solve the clues fast enough.”

“Unlikely,” Westley said.

“See, that’s why Stephen’s cool with it, because I’m ok with him being in love with that dummy,” LC explained to her brother.

“Either way, we have our bases covered,” Stephen said, doing his own stupid handshake with his best friend John. “And tomorrow we will have enough fair tokens to eat something from every booth and ride on every ride. And then, we will throw up.”

“Aww, another scrapbook for mom,” Sonia said.

“Exactly. Hands in.” The six placed one hand in and shouted on three “We’ll throw up!”

“I’m going to donate my share to people who don’t have enough tokens, but I’m in,” John said after they broke apart. 

“You stupid piece of crap,” LC and Westley both muttered.


End file.
